Wow moment

Okay so I watch the show Teen Mom on MTV. Yes, yes I know, technically I'm "too old" to be watching the show but I can't help it. Well in the last episode, one of the moms with twins has been given some bad news about one of her little girls. And I watch this and I'm in tears. I mean it's really hard for me to watch this and not think about Giggles. It's so easy to take for granted what you have with a healthy baby. My premie could have not even been here. And not only did she make it, she did it without any breathing problems or major scares outside of the MRSA in the NICU. There were so many complications during my pregnancy, I went in for emergency surgery when she was only 3 weeks along, I went in for an emergency c-section when she was born, I mean the list goes on and on. I have been so blessed that she has been relatively healthy. Outside of her weight gain being slow, we've been very lucky. I can only pray that the luck continues with her and that she remains in good standing. She's my whole world. I can't even imagine what this girl is going through with her daughter. I can tell you, as a mother with a premie, I can COMPLETELY understand what it's like to blame yourself for your child/children's possible shortcomings. And it's irrational to do so, and as a mother, you know that, but it doesn't make a difference. You can't help how you feel. I am praying for her family and her little girl and I hope that all turns out alright, and that these things can all be taken care of with therapy. Pray that she stays strong and keeps her faith up, because faith will get you an your family through whatever comes your way, no matter the outcome.

Dear Chance (Part 3)

Today I was ready to kill ya. Since you are walking around and going everywhere, you are also getting into EVERYTHING! I tell you no, and you look at me as if to say "Yeah right." And it doesn't matter if I sit you down in the floor, or pop your butt, nothing phases you. Except your Daddy or your Uncle G. They can look at you and say no and boy, it's the end of the free world! LoL! You're so funny. It's just terrible when someone tells you no. Well, someone besides me! LoL! You've started yelling back at me when I tell you no now too. Mama's gonna put a stop to that one, lemme tell ya. Not sure how, getting some creative ideas from your Grandma though. My mom. Oh yeah half pint, she's on my side! LoL!

Don't get me wrong though Giggles, it's not all bad. You giggle and laugh more than any child I know. You are the whole reason I get up every morning. Your Uncle G, Daddy and I were talking the other night. We thought that life was good before. We never knew what we were missing until you came along. You've brought so much light and life into this house. Yes, even when you're testing my patience, and trust me child, you test my patience on a daily basis, I still wouldn't trade a thing on this earth for you.

Admittedly sometimes I feel guilty. And maybe it's stupid that I feel this way, but I was so scared to be a mom. So scared to have a child. Your Daddy wanted one right away. He couldn't wait to be a Daddy. But I was scared stupid. Now, I think about the fact that the fear in that was stupid and I should have had you years ago. Then I think, if I had, how things might have been different. Your great grandpa would have had a chance to meet you. Your great grandma would have had more years to know you, and you would remember her. I don't know, like I said, stupid stuff. Maybe your grandma and grandpa wouldn't have moved. Now on that aspect of it are plus sides and minus side. Minus being if they hadn't moved, we wouldn't live where we do, which is a house I grew up in, and an amazing home to raise a family. Plus being if they hadn't moved, well, they'd be here. LoL! But you know, I can set there and talk about what-ifs all day long and it wouldn't change what is. What is now, you are my reason for living each day to it's fullest. You and I just had a convo about you stashing BBQ potato chips all over this living room so you could come back and snack on them when you want. You love giving kisses and hugs and love typing on my KEYBOARD WHILE I'M TYPING!!!! LoL! You're my whole world little girl. I can't begin to tell you how much I love you.

Well, your daddy is home, and you haven't seen him all day, so I'm gonna let you run to the door to see him. I'll talk to you later baby. I love you!

Mama

Wellness Check

Well, lets start with Christmas shall we? Yeah, this will explain why I haven't blogged in a bit. Christmas morning. I was all excited. Uncle G got up and got me and the baby out of the bed at seven in the morning. Yes thats right, seven A.M. Where is the coffee!?!?!? LoL! So getting back to our story here. Uncle D was asleep on the couch and as in true Giggles fashion (Yeah her new nickname is Giggles), she had to be with her Uncle G. And it's a good thing this time, because I took a header OVER the baby gate, head first into the laundry room door jamb. So my brother gets up off the couch asking me if there is anything he can do for me. My first reaction...Get my husband. Well he comes running out of the bedroom and down the hallway, sends the baby gate through the kitchen and is on the ground with me, picking me up and setting me in one of the kitchen chairs. Well I'm swimmy, but I decide that I'm gonna go ahead and enjoy Christmas, I was okay. I put a band-aid over the gash in my leg and go on. Well at around noon, I get in the shower to get ready to go to the in-laws and I get nauseated and my head starts hurting so I decide, I'd probably better go to the hospital. Well I get there, there's thankfully not like a million people, but I get in there, the doctor looks at my leg and low and behold, I had a mild concussion from the door jamb, and that little cut that I just threw a band-aid over, yeah FIVE STITCHES! Oh yes, you heard me right, five. Lemme tell ya, it hurt!

Well we got through with all of that, then my husband goes to work, gets a virus from a customers house (He's a tech for one of the cable companies around here), and he gets sick, goes in on his birthday and his boss carts him to the emergency room. He gets IV's run because of dehydration. So, I start feeling rough. on New Years Eve, and what happened? Yes, you guessed it. I was in the hospital on New Years Day, because of dehydration. And wait for it, because I'm not done yet! Just as we're leaving the hospital (Which by the way, good thing, they were able to take my stitches out right there), little girl starts getting sick, and I mean it goes everywhere. Thankfully we had medicine and she didn't get dehydrated.

So wow. Yeah. It's been more than nuts. Good note though, we got Giggles that baby can read program for Christmas. WOW! I'm way impressed with the way it works and how well. They have flash cards, a DVD and a book that you go through these words, like Arms Up, Nose...so on and so forth. And it's got tough words too like Elephant and Tiger. So it's pretty amazing. And yes, we got her to the doctors on Monday for a Wellness Check. It was for her fifteen month check up, even though she was a lot closer to her sixteenth month. Well, her length is great for a premie in the 50th percentile, her head measurements are in the 28th percentile but her weight is in the less than one percentile. I'm a little freaked out about that. Her pediatrician said to keep doing what we've been trying to put the weight on her still and to keep trying to pack on the calories. She isn't too concerned with her weight because she's very active and she said that outside of the weight being low, she's completely healthy and developing really well. It still just freaks me out though!

Outside of that, she's doing amazingly. She walks everywhere and she's even to where she tries to run. She's all about her Uncle and her daddy when they get home and she rightly fits her new nickname. She doesn't so much hiccup any more all the time like she did, but she is always, always laughing and giggling at something. She's so beautiful. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Dear Chance (Part 2)

We're almost at your second Christmas. You walk around everywhere now and are steadier than ever. You stay on mine and your daddy's schedule which your teacher said was okay, since you aren't old enough for it to matter, as long as you are getting the sleep you need.

The other night in bed you managed to get your diaper off, AGAIN! Only this time, you wet the bed. So we learned real quick that pajamas with bottoms instead of just a shirt, is a must! LoL! I laugh at how spoiled you're getting. Your daddy and I are in trouble later! LoL! And your Uncle only serves to spoil you more at times! It's so funny, you have a set schedule every day. You wake up, every morning, and you have to have your Uncle. First thing. And heaven forbid if he works early one morning, it just messes up your whole day. And you have to have your milk. That's your go go juice in the morning. You are so loved in this world. We put the tree up a few days ago and you are just amazed by it when you look at it. Of course, you are all about the ornaments, so I have to stay on top of you and make sure you don't grab them. Your favorite toy right now is this little plastic cow that came out of a barn that helps to teach shapes and letters. Your teacher has me teaching you nose, mouth, eyes and ears and every time I get to the ears part, you giggle, oh it's just the funniest thing.

And Symphony is teaching you ALL of her bad habits. You started growling, you yell when she barks, and you've learned that giving kisses includes the use of your tongue. That is one thing that will HAVE to change. And soon! LoL! You have also decided recently that since I call her little mama, you have deemed her mama instead of me. Unless you don't feel good or get an owie. Then you know that I'm mama. And as bad as I hate to say it, I can't help but feel a little good, knowing that I'm the one you come to when you're not feeling good. Me or dada. And you are all about dada when he's home. There are just so many aspects of you and your life that I just love. And I mean all of it except for when you hurt or don't feel good, and I know that there's nothing I can do about it. Getting an owie is one thing. One kiss and it's all better. But when you have an upset tummy like last night, or when you're running a fever and all I can do is hold you, knowing that it's not going to make it stop, those are the times that I hate.

There are so many things that I want to do with you as you grow. I told your grandma the other day that if you and I can have just half of the relationship that she and I have, I will consider myself extremely blessed. You have to understand, my mama was my mom first, and my friend second. And that distinction was so hard for me to discern sometimes and I couldn't stand it. But now that I'm older I realize that if she hadn't been my mom first, we wouldn't have the relationship we have today, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. So I hope you know, I'm gonna be your mom first. And there are times that you're not going like me, and you're going to wish we weren't related, but I'm still gonna love you, and still gonna be your mom first. Anyway, I will close this chapter and continue, another night. Love you little girl!

Mama

Been so long

Wow! I admittedly have no excuse for not blogging in so long. I've had a lot happen in the last two months. I do plan on continuing with my "Dear Chance" letters if I can ever get things to settle down on this end. Whew! Her great grandma passed away shortly after the last blog and the rest of the time has been a blur since. So much has happened with the little'en. She is walking now. She is resentful of crawling actually. She started taking one to two steps then sitting back down, and she didn't want the first person helping her. Well grandma and grandpa came into town for Thanksgiving, grandpa helped her walk across the living room...and the rest, as they say, is history. She's been walking ever since. Bless her little heart. She just runs around here every where! Loves it! She's on to eating straight people food now, all the time. She absolutely loves eggs and she loves chicken. Those are her favorites but she's all about trying things. Her Uncle has gotten her hooked on BBQ chips too. Now THAT one is funny as all get out. Her hair is also long enough now that I can put it in a pony tail on top of her head. She looks like Pebbles from the Flintstones. But at least when her hair is up, her daddy and uncle aren't all about cutting her hair. LoL! And she's talking more and more. Her teacher said that as the walking took hold, her talking would come with her. And I'm so tickled to admit, she is. She's my little person. And she is definitely testing her limits. Whoo doggies! Don't even get me started on that one there! LoL!
Her daddy and I have really gotten into the Christmas spirit this year too! It's so awesome. We debated and debated and finally decided we would put up a tree. So we did that last night. I know, I know. Its not the day after Thanksgiving. But hey, it's up! LoL! We got some lights on the front of the house as well. So exciting. I love it! Ah Christmas. I'm so excited this year!

The Magic of a Mommy's Kiss

Remember as a kid you could fall down and bang your elbow or scrape your knee and no matter how bad it was, mom's kiss always made it better? The little things that you tend to forget as you grow up? Unless, that is, you're blessed to have a little one of your own running around. And even then, it takes a good year before it really sinks in and sends it home. Today was that day for me. Squeak was crawling around on the floor, and she had her toy in her hand and she slipped and popped her head on the floor. Nothing major but she immediately started crawling over to me. So of course, I pick her up, find the spot on her head and kiss it and tell her "All done, I kissed it and made it all better." She smiles, instantly stopping the tears and wants back down on the floor so she can keep playing. It's amazing. The magic is back, and now I'm the one that has it. Don't get me wrong, my mama's kiss is STILL magic to me! But now I have some of it that I can pass down, and hopefully Squeak will be able to pass it down herself.

Dear Chance

Wow. It's been a year ago Saturday. A whole year. It's been a crazy year. The whole first two months of your life were spent in a hospital incubator. We had scares of MRSA, isolation, bleeding intestines and not gaining weight. You're still not gaining a lot of weight. You're gonna be a little thing I fear. You're my runt!

I remember being so scared to even be a mom. Then I found out I was pregnant with you. I went to the doctors office and they did some testing. Based on the date of my last period and the level of hormones in my blood, I was six to eight weeks along. So they did an ultrasound, to make sure that everything was okay. My heart fell out of my chest when the doctor told me that there was nothing there to indicate a pregnancy which left them to believe that you were either in my tubes, or I had miscarried. I cried for hours. That was on Wednesday Mar 19. Two days later I went in and had testing run again. They drew blood once more. This time the hormone levels were almost three times what they were two days before. SO, since my OB was on vacation, I was sent down the road to do another ultrasound and they find something. Something that would indicate that you were in my ovary and if they didn't do emergency surgery, it could rupture and it would just be bad all the way around. So I'm sent up to the hospital that my doctor works out of and I'm rushed in for surgery. They put me under, go in to remove you only to find out that there was nothing there, and what they thought was you, was actually a cyst on my ovary. I was either still pregnant, or I had miscarried.
Couple of days later I'm rushed back up to the hospital because I start bleeding. They run an ultrasound and they find that the bleeding is caused from the surgery, perfectly normal and guess what's there...the yolk sac. You were still cells. I was only three weeks along and not the original six to eight weeks like we all thought.

So, then we go back, the doctor puts me on all kinds of vitamins and things and we go on. Well we have a few ultrasounds, your grandpa starts a pool to see who'll be right about your birth date, and is absolutely convinced you'll be born on the 21st of October. Well they come up for a visit, at the same time that we go in to do an ultrasound to find out if you're a girl or a boy. Now by this time, your dad and I have already decided we were going to name you Chance no matter what gender, but the middle name would have been dependent. So I surprise my parents and tell them the morning of, what we were actually doing. They come in and see the ultrasound where the tech tries and tries to find out what you were. When she was getting all of your measurements you were still as everything. Then I just HAD to get up and pee, because I'd drank so much water for the ultrasound, and when I came back into the room, you'd woke up. She thought you were a girl, but try as she might, she could not confirm. Well, your grandpa had been convinced since the time I told him I was pregnant that you were a girl. You couldn't have argued with him otherwise. Well a couple of weeks later we go in and do another ultrasound, this time to make sure blood flow is good and everything else, and the ultrasound tech starts lookin around and low and behold you stick your little butt right to the monitor and show the room that you are indeed a girl!

Well with that ultrasound we learn a few things. I've got problems with blood pressure already and that causes other issues with blood flow through the main artery leading to you. Now this whole time, I'm expecting to be able to feel you moving any time. Most things I've read says I should feel you any where between twelve and sixteen weeks. And I'm not feeling anything yet. Turns out not only was the placenta at the back of my uterus, but my uterus was tilted. Double whammy. I didn't feel you until about twenty weeks. Little did I know that I'd only be able to feel you for another ten. When I really started feeling you good was when my family threw a baby shower for me that I was unable to attend because I had to work. Your Godfather brought back all the stuff and we were opening presents. One of which was a little fishing pole that had a little reel that was a bath toy. You could turn the reel and it would make a loud clicking sound. Well I clicked it and you went ape crazy. It was the first time I really felt you and I did it again and again and again! It was so amazing to feel you wiggling around. Well time went on, I wound up getting put on bed rest because I was toxic and my blood pressure would not regulate. They even sent a home health nurse out to look at me. She did a couple of tests and boom, I was back at the hospital. Coincidentally, my doctor was on vacation! LoL! But I'd gotten to know his associate doctors well in the few weeks leading up to that so I was okay. Oh, one other time before all of this I had been sent up to the hospital to make sure that they didn't need to admit me for Toxemia. Well, this time they admitted me. That was the 19th of September.

The week that ensued is a whole other story in itself that I will get into at a later time. But regardless, Friday morning they came in before I could get into my breakfast really good and told me that after the blood pressure episode that had happened the day before, they decided they were going to take you that day. Man I was scared stupid when they told me that! Holy crap, realization set in, I was gonna be a mama that day. You were coming. Suddenly, I wasn't ready! I was scared to death. You were so early! What was going to happen to you? Would the steroids that the doctor had given me for your lung production worked? I mean, that had only been 2 days before that I'd finished the course. I had a million questions. Would you have any development issues? Would you be normal? Would there be any issues from you being so small? Then I realized, none of the questions mattered. I could ask them all day long, but you were still going to be born that afternoon regardless. I called your grandma and told her. I said "Happy Birthday, you're gonna be a grandma today." She told me later that she was meeting your grandpa for dinner, he was taking her out for her birthday. At the moment you were born, she looked up in the sky and saw a rainbow. She knew at that moment that everything was going to be okay, and that you were going to be fine.

Well, they prepped me for surgery, made the whole bottom half of my body go completely numb, and at 3:47, you were born. And I remember, it was so hard, because I could barely see you for five seconds. They had to immediately intubate you to help you breathe, because you couldn't do it on your own. I couldn't hold you at all. And I remember, I was so out of it from the anesthetic for the surgery that all I could do was fall asleep. When I woke up, it was almost ten o'clock and I was able to go see you. You were so tiny. All I could do was cry. I couldn't even get out of the wheel chair. I wasn't allowed to do too much because I'd just had a pretty major surgery. I sat up there for about ten minutes and made just about every nurse up there cry with me. It was so hard. You were so little. In that moment I felt so guilty. It was my body you were in. I must have done something wrong that you were born early. If I had done this different or that different would it have made a difference? You were so little and so helpless. And in my mind at that time, it was all my fault and I don't think the Pope himself could have convinced me other wise. But whether I felt that way or not, you were here.

A whole lot has changed in a year. You came home after almost two months and there are still moments that I don't think I can do this. But it's strange, because I watch you now, crawling around my living room with the biggest smile on your face and I know, everything is alright. You were meant to come home to me. You were meant for me. One of my biggest fears now is that I will let God down. He trusted your daddy and I enough to be your parents and I hope we can make him proud. My hope is that we don't let him or you down.

Anyway, Happy Birthday baby. I can't believe you're a year old today. Time has flown. Wow. You're beautiful and you have enriched my life so much. I love you.

Mama