Day 18 - Going good

Last night wasn't bad a all. When she ate at 4 she took 3 oz and it seemed like she wasn't quite satisfied. So when she got hungry again at 7 I made her a 4 oz bottle and she took it all! I'm so excited. She's sound out asleep right now. She should be waking soon for another bottle in a few minutes here though. She's sure and steady sucking one her nuk at the very moment. She's so damn cute! LoL! I can't help but love her when I look at her. Even when she's screaming. In fact quite honestly she's so funny when she gets mad I quite literally have to laugh at her at times. Her forehead wrinkles and she gets the worst look on her face...and she snorts. That pushes me over the edge. I can't help but just bust a gut when she does that. Of course, I fix the problem, but I'm laughing the whole time. She's actually starting to outgrow her premie clothes. It's almost sad. Don't get me wrong, I am SO GLAD she is growing, but...I don't know. It feels good to be needed and depended on. Maybe this is what I've been needing to get myself back on track. It's very empowering to know that I am the one that fills her needs. Not that I'm all holier than thow...I just...I dunno. I like it. I like knowing that if she's crying, I can pick her up and hold her, and that's all she wants. Or when she's hungry, I can feed her, and she's happy again. Or that when she's dead out asleep like she is now...I can say "Hi Beautiful" (Something her grandma started ;-) - Thanks mom. LoL.) and she will smile so big, and her dimples will show, and I just can't help but see that smile, and melt into a huge puddle. She's so gorgeous. How in the hell did I get so lucky to be blessed with such an amazing gift from God? How was it that I was lucky enough for him to say "Here. This is my gift to you. Treat her well and love her for everything that she is, and everything that you are. I put her in your capable hands." And...I have to have faith that he knows that I'm capable. I mean, if not, then why would I have been blessed with her? My husband and I weren't too concerned with protection for years. And then when we did decide to be serious and try, it took months! If this wasn't meant to be, then I could very likely still not get pregnant. And don't get me wrong, that's not to say that those out there trying and still aren't have any less chance or opportunity, it just means that it's not time yet. And when it's time, it will happen. I believe that the perfect soul belongs to every child and that soul will not appear until the time is right. God knows what he's doing. I have to have faith in that every day or I'd go nuts. I got lucky with this one. And I couldn't be more blessed for that fact.

Day 17

It's been a good last few days. She's loved the attention from her grandpa and the holidays went off great. I'm saddened by the fact that her grandma is going back home tomorrow and will not be here any more. But Chance is doing great. She smiled the other day while dreaming and I found she has the cutest dimples in her cheeks. Grandma is going to let us keep the camera until we go down on vacation in a few months. With any luck we will be able to get a camera of our own before then. Squeaker is growing more and more every day and she's staying awake more and more. The breastfeeding is going...but it's not completely connected there. It's a trial and error and we're working on it. She's still waking up every 3-4 hours for food but that's okay. She's still doing great. She's definitely growing which is so great. I'm so tickled. I am so excited about showing her things and teaching her traditions. I have been so busy this holiday season that I've hardly had time to e-mail, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Baby's First Thanksgiving

Well it's been a better last couple of days, but still busy. It's such a great day today. She's home for her first holiday. That's the most wonderful thing about it all. I'm so thankful for my little girl. I can't imagine life without her. There is so much to be thankful for. And she's one of the biggest. I thank God for her existence, and every day that I get to wake up and spend with her.

Day 11 - Long last few days

It's been interesting, still working at getting all of my house put together and everything. Last night was terrible. She cried and cried all night long. My husband and I were exhausted getting up this morning. And he got up way before I did this morning. UGH! I know, I know...welcome to mommyhood huh?

Day 8 - Second doctors visit

Last night went well. I did have a moment when I actually incorporated her crying into my dream. That scared me a bit because I'm not sure how long she cried for. On a good note though she gained 11 oz over the last week and is now 5 lb 2 oz! I'm so proud of my little girl. What else can I say?

Day 7

She's been home a week today. It's been a pretty good week all in all. Mom has been helping me so much watching her while I get things cleaned up from where we've been doing home improvements. And it's been long going...especially when I forget to turn the drier on while doing clothes. LoL! But she's doing great. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow to see how she's gaining and make sure everything is good there. She slept better last night though we're going to do an experiment tonight. She seems to be uncomfortable in her crib at times but she sleeps really well in the bouncy chair. So, we're going to let her sleep in the bouncy chair tonight next to the bed and see how that works.

Well, until tomorrow...

Day 6 - Better day today

Last night was quite a bit better than yesterday. She slept really well last night now that she's taking her bottle again. She's doing so well. I love it when her eyes are open. She's so gorgeous. All I want to do is look at her. LoL! And she's so funny when she gets upset, her forehead wrinkles and she gets the most awful face. It's cute. NOW. LoL!

Day 5, still rough...

Last night was a little better but not 100% by any means. Not that I expect it to be that way, but last night was rough too. Not as bad as the night before, but rough. She seems uncomfortable for some reason. Not all the time, but from time to time she will stretch out and start crying, from stretching. It's so hard not to take this personally and feel inadequate no matter what everyone else thinks or tells me. She seems to be taking her bottle better today which is definitely a plus.

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and she would never be uncomfortable. As good as she has been her only set back is burping. She does NOT like burping. At all. And it's not that she doesn't like it...it is damn near impossible! She just does not burp. LoL!

And my pumping has been troubling me. My supply for some reason has just dropped off. And it's so hard for me to explain why it bothers me so bad, but it does. I feel like, if I've been able to breast feed up until now, I should be able to continue until she no longer needs it. And more than that...I'm her mama. I should be able to provide for her. And I can't do that if my supply dries up. Mom tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself and my poor husband, He has a hard time understanding how I don't just let nature do what it does and kick back and relax. But it's so hard to even try to explain. I have expectations of myself and when those expectations aren't met, whether it's in my control or not, then there is something wrong. And as frustrated as I make those around me because of it, there it is none the less. To quote my husband, tellin me not to worry about things like this is like walking outside during a hurricane and telling the wind not to blow. Pointless and a waste of time.

And I know a lot of my frustration is due to lack of sleep, but that is one thing that cannot be helped at the moment. Which is another frustration of mine all together. I think I have control issues. LoL! That being said, I'm sure Chance will teach me more and more every day that I have no control. And I need to be taught that in all honesty. I can't stand what I can't control and the fact of the matter is that God is in control in every aspect. I have NEVER had control, and that's okay. And she teaches me that every day and every time I pray.

I also have fears in myself that I will become my ex-husband. I can tell at times when I yell at the ole man for no more reasons than I am frustrated at other things, there are some issues there. And I can recognize it and I know it's there and it scares the hell out of me. I dispise everything about my ex, I don't want to become him. That's one of the reasons I worry about yelling at any of my kids in my life, from my own little girl to all my nephews and my niece. And it's crazy. I look at her beautiful face, and I see those amazing eyes looking back at me and I know instantly I would kill anyone who hurts her, and yet I still worry. I worry that when I get frustrated or something I will yell at her. And I know I'm going to pop her on her butt when she gets older and it's going to break my heart. And yet I still worry.

I guess too I'm just a little overwhelmed with everything going on. My house is still a disaster, my family is coming in for the holidays next weekend, I'm worried about ANYONE who gets around her, I'm worried about not being a good mommy, I'm worried about a million and one things...all of which I can't control, and it's overwhelming me.

My first momism...

Ok so this morning her Nuk-nuk fell into the floor and instead of running all the way out into the kitchen, 5 second rule applied, I stuck it in my mouth, made sure it was clean, and then stuck it into hers. Of course, this was in my bedroom floor where I know what's been on it, and not out somewhere...but there it is. LoL!

Day 4 - A little rough patch

Last night was difficult. We don't know if she was colic or what it was. She was just fussy all night last night, and she didn't eat very much at all. The pediatrician said that she would be fine as long as she took even an ounce every 2-3 hours and even if we had to wake her up for it. Just to make sure she doesn't get dehydrated. She's been taking almost 3 ounces per feeding so it has me concerned. I will have to just wait and see how it goes. Grandma was able to get her to take 2 1/2 ounces earlier so maybe last night was just a fluke and because her tum tum was upset. She's asleep now. Though how she can sleep through the racket of me doing dishes and vacuuming and daddy banging on the floor in the bathroom ripping it out, I'll never know. LoL! Yet, here she sits. She doesn't suck her thumb either. She sucks her index finger, with her thumb under her chin and her other fingers on her nose. Her eyes are silver today. She's blessed with eyes that will change color dependent on what she's wearing. She can't seem to get comfortable and I just can't figure it out.

Day 3

Today is another good day. She slept really well last night. I'm starting to learn her quirks and my husband and I are in competition to see who can change a diaper the fastest. I'm currently in the lead (Wink*Wink). The bouncy chair is STILL the most useful thing I have. She cannot STAND to be alone in her crib during the day so there is no real quiet time for her, but she sleeps just as soundly with all the commotion going on (With the exception of when her Godfather accidentally kicks her bouncy chair...LoL!) as she would if she was in her crib in the room. She has to be around people. If not she is not happy. My little girl is already a social butterfly. And her eyes are the most beautiful color of blue you will ever see. She is 7 weeks now so I'm confident her eye color will not change any more. She has a little pink onsie on right now and it almost makes her eyes look violet. She's such a happy baby. The only time she really cries is when she's hungry. Then she is all about letting one of us know that she will NOT be denied. LoL! And I've started distinguishing her cries. She has one for hungry, one for dirty/wet and one for "Dammit mama...hold me!" I have also found that she is fine being held by someone as long as mama or daddy is around. And she is very about her grandma too. She loves to be cuddled and held. I remember when I first held her one of the nurses telling me that some babies don't like to be held. They said that it is that the mothers don't show them much affection in the womb. I couldn't imagine not rubbing my tummy when she was in there. Hell I've had her and I still instinctively at times want to reach down and rub my tummy. I just don't understand. She's so beautiful.

Day 2

Today is so much better. The first night I think was so bad because it was new for everyone involved. Things have definitely changed. Turtle is a major guard dog over her. Every time she even makes a noise he runs over and then looks at her then looks at me as if to say "Fix it Mama." and Symphony is scared she is going to break her. She looked at her when I put her in the little bouncy chair that I got from my baby shower (Which is coming in SO HANDY), then she sat down and looked up at me as of to say "Is it okay mama? Can I touch her?" I had to reassure her that she wouldn't break her and she gently got close enough to sniff. To which my daughters response of course was a little squeak. Poor Symphony backed up like she was scared to death and sat down looking up at me and asking me if she was okay again. I am sure once she gets used to Chance being home, it won't be a major deal and she won't be so scared she'll break. The room mate held her for the first time last night, as well as the grandparents on dads side last night. And her Godfather got to hold her for a bit last night as well. Every one of them looked like they were going to break her by looking at her. The bouncy chair has been THE BEST gift. It rocks, and then is also stationary. It has little elephants than hang down and the middle little hangy toy makes little music when you pull on it. It fascinates her. And when it is rocking, she is out. LoL!

She is a lot more contented today than she was yesterday. The first day was a MAJOR ADJUSTMENT for both of us but we ALL got sleep last night. Good sleep too. That's important. She grinned at me today. She loves to be held and loves being showered with kisses. That makes me smile. She's still so tiny. Tiny but Mighty. I love my little girl.

Day 1

I'm EXHAUSTED! She was up all night...ergo, so was I.

Home

WE'RE HOME! EKE!!!

Eke!!!

HOLY CRAP SHE'S COMING HOME!

NUF SAID.

Coming home...???

Well, with any luck she will be coming home in the next couple of days. The doctors said that they are going to check her red blood cell count again tomorrow and if it's good from them giving her more blood today, then I will pretty much be going up to the hospital so that I can stay the night and bring her home Thursday. Eke! I'm all giddy with excitement! I'm trying not to get too excited until they call me in the morning and say for sure one way or another yes or no, but it's there none the less. She is up to 4 lbs 5 oz and all I can do is wait.

Didn't dodge that bullet...

Just got off the phone with the hospital. Going to see my little girl today and feed just as planned, but she's going to be hooked up to an IV. They took blood this morning and ran tests and her Red Blood Cell count was low because they've basically pulled enough, that she needs more blood in her little body. They told us at the beginning that most premies have to have a transfusion to add blood, but since she was so close to coming home, I was almost hoping that we could dodge that one. I was wrong. Still she is doing remarkably well. They are thinking that she will be home soon because as soon as she can hold her temp, she will be able to come home. But they have to add blood to her little body. I hate that. But it's for her, and it will bring her home quicker.

In a crib

They have put her back in the crib and she seems to be doing well. All she has to do is maintain temp. The doctor has a scheduled blood test and routine eye exam scheduled for tomorrow. She gained 12 grams last night and is 4 lbs 2 oz now so she is still doing great! She's my rock. I posted it perfect the other day when I said that I feel like she is the only think keeping me from flying off the face of the earth as the rest of the world spins out of control. It's all going to be worth it I know, it's just driving me crazy at the moment.

1900 Grams

Well, they're going to try putting her in a crib again when she reaches 1900 grams. She's 1840 now. I was told today that once she gets in a crib and holds her own temp, she gets to come home. I cannot begin to explain how excited I am! The way she gaining weight, it should be any time. Tee hee. I'm all giddy. My little girl might be home in a week so long as she keeps doing well! I'm trying to keep from getting too excited, and still trying to take it one day at a time, but oh my gosh...I can't help it. She's coming home soon! It's so real now! I'm so excited!

Doing so well.

My little girl is doing great. She's so beautiful. They changed her feeding schedule to every 4 hours now instead of just every 3 and she's eating 3 oz per feeding. Holy crap! That's a lot! I'm so tickled! I couldn't feed her today because they didn't tell me that they changed her feeding schedule, but I did get to hold her today and see that beautiful face. There is nothing more gorgeous than my little girls face when she's content. She looked up at me today and she's got her daddy's eyes. They're such a beautiful blue. She loves just being held and rocked. She talked today making little noises while I was talking to her and she smiled today too. Especially when I mentioned daddy. She grinned so big. Then I giggled, and then she smiled some more. And what's more, her MRSA test came back negative yesterday! That's so wonderful! I couldn't be more thrilled about that fact! She's healthy! And God she's so beautiful.

4 lb's!!!

My little girl hit the 4 lb mark last night! She's doing so well! I can't wait to see her today. Got to wash her some clothes and take them up there for her. Eke! I'm so excited. Its getting closer and closer, and she'll be home before I know it.

My first experience...

Got to hold my little girl today again for the first time in over a week. Not only did I get to hold her, I got to breast feed her. It was indescribable. To know that my baby was able to actually feed from my body. I can't even begin to tell you the feeling. It was so amazing. I cried. She did wonderfully. They said at the hospital that she was perfect and she is still really early to be doing that. My mom said earlier that when she had me she played a song "You and Me Against the World", and I can see why now. When you have that little girl, knowing that you created that, and you can feed her and protect her, there is no greater feeling.

Weening her

She is completely off the feeding tube now and they are trying to ween her off the crib. She seems to be doing great holding her temperature. She is taking more and more food with each feeding and just doing amazing. She is doing so well! I'm so proud of my little girl! She's a fighter. I'm crying I'm so happy. I can't help it. I want to go up there so bad and just hold her and everything, but I'm not allowed to drive, meaning I have to rely on someone else to drive me to see her until Friday. Grrr! I hate surgery!

Another quick update

I am still very out of it considering. It's hard to type because of the drugs they have me on for pain make me sleep. I'll be glad when I can stop taking them. Squeaker in the meantime still continues doing great! She's up to 3 lbs 11 oz now, taking everything by bottle now and she is eating 50 cc's per bottle. I'm so proud of my little girl. I'll be able to bring her home soon. I'm both incredibly excited, and incredibly scared. God I hope I'm a good mommy once she comes home.

Short update...

Been a rough week this week. 5 weeks to the day after delivery I delivered an ugly gall bladder. Yep. Went in for surgery at 8:00 am, they took out the gall bladder, then at 3:30 they went in and removed the stones that had gotten through the duct and into my liver. I'm home now but still very out of it. On the plus side, my daughter is great. She's still 3 lbs 9 oz but she's been gaining steady by 20-30 grams a day. Will update more later when I'm not as out of it.