Last night was a little better but not 100% by any means. Not that I expect it to be that way, but last night was rough too. Not as bad as the night before, but rough. She seems uncomfortable for some reason. Not all the time, but from time to time she will stretch out and start crying, from stretching. It's so hard not to take this personally and feel inadequate no matter what everyone else thinks or tells me. She seems to be taking her bottle better today which is definitely a plus.
I just wish I could wave a magic wand and she would never be uncomfortable. As good as she has been her only set back is burping. She does NOT like burping. At all. And it's not that she doesn't like it...it is damn near impossible! She just does not burp. LoL!
And my pumping has been troubling me. My supply for some reason has just dropped off. And it's so hard for me to explain why it bothers me so bad, but it does. I feel like, if I've been able to breast feed up until now, I should be able to continue until she no longer needs it. And more than that...I'm her mama. I should be able to provide for her. And I can't do that if my supply dries up. Mom tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself and my poor husband, He has a hard time understanding how I don't just let nature do what it does and kick back and relax. But it's so hard to even try to explain. I have expectations of myself and when those expectations aren't met, whether it's in my control or not, then there is something wrong. And as frustrated as I make those around me because of it, there it is none the less. To quote my husband, tellin me not to worry about things like this is like walking outside during a hurricane and telling the wind not to blow. Pointless and a waste of time.
And I know a lot of my frustration is due to lack of sleep, but that is one thing that cannot be helped at the moment. Which is another frustration of mine all together. I think I have control issues. LoL! That being said, I'm sure Chance will teach me more and more every day that I have no control. And I need to be taught that in all honesty. I can't stand what I can't control and the fact of the matter is that God is in control in every aspect. I have NEVER had control, and that's okay. And she teaches me that every day and every time I pray.
I also have fears in myself that I will become my ex-husband. I can tell at times when I yell at the ole man for no more reasons than I am frustrated at other things, there are some issues there. And I can recognize it and I know it's there and it scares the hell out of me. I dispise everything about my ex, I don't want to become him. That's one of the reasons I worry about yelling at any of my kids in my life, from my own little girl to all my nephews and my niece. And it's crazy. I look at her beautiful face, and I see those amazing eyes looking back at me and I know instantly I would kill anyone who hurts her, and yet I still worry. I worry that when I get frustrated or something I will yell at her. And I know I'm going to pop her on her butt when she gets older and it's going to break my heart. And yet I still worry.
I guess too I'm just a little overwhelmed with everything going on. My house is still a disaster, my family is coming in for the holidays next weekend, I'm worried about ANYONE who gets around her, I'm worried about not being a good mommy, I'm worried about a million and one things...all of which I can't control, and it's overwhelming me.
No comments:
Post a Comment