Baby's First New Year

Happy New Year baby! Welcome to 2o1o! I love you!

Getting Stronger

My little girl is in a growth spurt. She's doing so well. Last night she took 9 oz in a 2 hour period! I couldn't believe it! LoL! And she is doing AMAZING! The muscles in her neck are developing really well and she is able to hold her head up for a bit longer each time. She loves sitting up and her eyes are so big and bright when she's looking around! She has the cutest damn faces any one baby ever could and I love it! She's staying awake longer too which is so awesome! I love seeing her looking around. She's so inquisitive. And I know she's over 8 lb's now. Not sure exactly how much, her next docs appt is a few weeks away, but I can just tell. She's so funny when she stretches out while waking up. She makes the cutest little noises. And every once in a while, she'll be talking and then just get real loud, for just a second. Not a cry but like a "HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" It's so funny. but she's doing famously. I'm so proud of her.

Chance's First Christmas

This was my baby's first Christmas yesterday as well as a milestone 3 month mark! It was great! Her aunt and uncle spent the night Christmas Eve and helped her open up presents. Dinner was amazing too! Right down to the Easy Cheese mac and cheese! Yes...I said Easy Cheese. That is a whole story unto itself. However getting back to the point, it was nice to have every one here. I think since our place is big enough I'm going to suggest the holidays be at my house from now on. It was so much fun! And Squeaker loved being passed off from person to person all day! LoL! I'm glad everyone was here though, it was good. Her daddy got called out at work at around 11 in the morning and was out until 3 so thankfully, while he missed a couple of hours, he was able to open presents, and was home in time for dinner. Speaking of her daddy last night, it was so funny, I hadn't had my mid day nap that I take when she goes down for hers, so I was asleep on the Lazy-Boy by 8:30 last night! LoL! It was so funny! She on the other hand was wide awake. But daddy was able to help her out. Bless his heart. Knowing he had to get up way early for work this morning.

She of course was more interested in the wrappin paper than she was her presents. But what can you expect at 3 months old? LoL! She made out like a bandit yesterday with a whole bunch of clothes and things. I will have to say though, my favorite present that she got was a stuffed elephant that her grandma made for her. It's so cute!! And soft! It was knitted. Or crocheted. Or knitted. I dunno the diff between the two admittedly. Anyway, it was such a wonderful day yesterday. The only thing that could have made it better is if my mom and dad and family had been able to be here too. But it's okay, it was still a great first Christmas for her. I am excited to see how next Christmas will be for her when she's a bit older. We will have to see. :-)

Filed her nails today

Today I filed my little girls nails for the first time. Freaked me out of course. LoL! I was worried I'd do something wrong or hurt her finger, but I did good! LoL! I can definitely handle filing versus clipping. She's so beautiful. Sometimes we call her Maggie from the Simpsons because she will suck on her nuk really loud. Then she will try to talk while she's sucking and that makes this cute little noise. And the best is when I'm holding her and she's asleep, and I'm rocking her and talking to her, she makes this little noise as if answering me when she exhales. She's slowly grasping sucking her thumb too. It's so funny. I'm still a pro at diaper changing too! Including the poor diapers that look like Napalm hit them. Damn things didn't have a clue. LoL!

And bless her heart, she sneezes like her great grandpa. She can't ever just sneeze once. It's several. And she's so freakin cute when she sneezes! LoL! She's so beautiful!

Frustrated

Squeaker is doing great! I'm so excited she's doing as well as she has. She slept 6 hours last night! Of course, she was awake and crying for about 6 hours before then as well. LoL! But she's doing good. She's eating more and more every day. I am so excited about Christmas coming up. We are a bit late at getting the tree up, but with any luck we'll have it up this weekend. The cold has not affected her too much. My living room was built on concrete so it stays colder than the rest of the house, so we have a small heater that looks like a fire place. Its electric, and puts out pretty good heat, so she's doing good. I'm so proud of her. She's talking a little bit more and more every day and while today is an odd exception, she's staying awake more and more too. Anyway, just wanted to report. She's doing good, even when shes frustrating me when she cries for hours on end. LoL! I take it all in stride though. Even the rough times are good times. She is so special to me. I look at her and I just hope and pray that I am able to give her everything she needs, and some of what she wants. It's very important to me that she know the value of a dollar growing up.

When I grew up I learned that it wasn't the monitary expense that made something valuable. And I want her to know that same thing and those same values. She will know what it's like to work for a dollar too. In a good way. I want her to grow up being able to make a difference for the better in this society.

Doctors Appointment

She had her third doctors appointment today. She weighs 6 lbs 14 oz. I'm so tickled. She got a few shots as well poor thing and daddy had to go by himself. I went in and had a procedure done this morning and was really out of it. It's official as of now. Chance will be an only child. But that's okay. It would be irresponsible to both myself and another child if I tried to conceive again, and my husband and I did a lot of talking. If we decided we want to give her a little brother or sister, we could adopt just as easily. So there we are. And here she is. Doc gave her a clean bill of health. I'm so proud of her. She's growing like a weed. I'm so happy. She's such a blessing. Such a miracle.

30 Days Home!!!

Today is a great day! She is having floor time for the first time today. She is so happy wiggling around making her little coos and awes. She is so cute. She loves to move around. She slept for 5 hours straight last night! Milestone! Of course I didn't sleep that well. I woke up around the 3 hour mark and it scared the snot out of me that she slept that long at first. Then it was relief. Her daddy made a good point this morning when he said that she was awake later than he was last night. So it makes sense.

She has outgrown her premie clothes. It's amazing how well she's doing. She's growing more and more and I'm very tickled to report that her muscles are getting stronger and stronger. She can lift her head up now and keep it up for a good amount of time. I'm so proud of my little girl. Speaking of...queue mama. Until later!!!

Day 28 - 4 weeks strong

It's been 4 weeks today that she's been home. She's sitting right now with her daddy and she's just as happy as a clam. She was looking at me and I started to wave from across the room and she just grinned! It was so awesome! She is staying awake for so much longer now and she just loves to coo. She talks all day. Got a call from the state today. Apparently because she was premie, she will be eligible for state insurance as a secondary to cover co-pays and what not. I am so thankful for that. That will help out so much! She is coming into her own personality. I love it!

Day 27 - Internet down

Internet has been down for the last few days. Finally able to get on here. The last few days has been interesting. Not bad, just interesting. I'm no longer able to breast feed, but it's okay. I'm at the point now that she got the major antibodies from me so hopefully it was enough of a jump start that she will benefit from it. She's so beautiful. She's eating more and more and I'm so happy about that. I know she's gained weight. And she's so funny when she cries. I can tell when she's hungry and when she's wet. She's out of her premie clothes and starting to fit into the New Born clothes now. She's growing so much! And her Great Aunt S got her the first Christmas outfit. It's way too cute and I can't wait to dress her in it. It may be still a bit big, but there's no tellin. I'm sure she'll grow a whole bunch in the next couple of weeks. She's got the most beautiful smile and boy does she love her daddy. Last night when he got home he looked down at her in her bouncy chair and she just smiled at him. She was all about her daddy. It was so great. Those are the moments that just make me feel so blessed.

Day 23...3 weeks strong

We've been doing pretty good lately. Getting over this stuffy crap and Squeaker has been doing great considering. Trying to get into the swing of things has not been the easiest, and granted I've been a little slow to the draw on some things, part of that being the fact that I was sick. Life is good. I look into her eyes and she is my reason to live. I've been told I need to find myself again. I think that she is going to be the one to help me do it.

Day 21...Still doing good but all sick.

So my husband came home with something and the whole lot of us got it. Me, him, the room mate, and even Squeaker. She's thankfully not doing too bad with it and I'm sure it's because she got her RSV vaccination. But you can still see that she just does not feel good bless her little heart. Last night we experienced projectile bodily functions. That was an experience I'm sure I'll experience in the future but honestly if I never did deal with that again, it would be too soon. LoL! But she's doing good. We're settling into a routine. We wake up in the morning and we have at least a half hour of cuddle time before my arm starts to fall off. Then we play for about another half hour the I get to work on the house while she naps. When she eats she will fall asleep about half way through. I have to wake her up by doing a diaper change. LoL! Then she gets mad enough and awake enough to finish her bottle. LoL! I'm still a bit lost with my mama not being here, but it's getting better. (Just like she said it would.). Well, Squeaker is squeakin so I need to get to her. Until later.

Day 18 - Going good

Last night wasn't bad a all. When she ate at 4 she took 3 oz and it seemed like she wasn't quite satisfied. So when she got hungry again at 7 I made her a 4 oz bottle and she took it all! I'm so excited. She's sound out asleep right now. She should be waking soon for another bottle in a few minutes here though. She's sure and steady sucking one her nuk at the very moment. She's so damn cute! LoL! I can't help but love her when I look at her. Even when she's screaming. In fact quite honestly she's so funny when she gets mad I quite literally have to laugh at her at times. Her forehead wrinkles and she gets the worst look on her face...and she snorts. That pushes me over the edge. I can't help but just bust a gut when she does that. Of course, I fix the problem, but I'm laughing the whole time. She's actually starting to outgrow her premie clothes. It's almost sad. Don't get me wrong, I am SO GLAD she is growing, but...I don't know. It feels good to be needed and depended on. Maybe this is what I've been needing to get myself back on track. It's very empowering to know that I am the one that fills her needs. Not that I'm all holier than thow...I just...I dunno. I like it. I like knowing that if she's crying, I can pick her up and hold her, and that's all she wants. Or when she's hungry, I can feed her, and she's happy again. Or that when she's dead out asleep like she is now...I can say "Hi Beautiful" (Something her grandma started ;-) - Thanks mom. LoL.) and she will smile so big, and her dimples will show, and I just can't help but see that smile, and melt into a huge puddle. She's so gorgeous. How in the hell did I get so lucky to be blessed with such an amazing gift from God? How was it that I was lucky enough for him to say "Here. This is my gift to you. Treat her well and love her for everything that she is, and everything that you are. I put her in your capable hands." And...I have to have faith that he knows that I'm capable. I mean, if not, then why would I have been blessed with her? My husband and I weren't too concerned with protection for years. And then when we did decide to be serious and try, it took months! If this wasn't meant to be, then I could very likely still not get pregnant. And don't get me wrong, that's not to say that those out there trying and still aren't have any less chance or opportunity, it just means that it's not time yet. And when it's time, it will happen. I believe that the perfect soul belongs to every child and that soul will not appear until the time is right. God knows what he's doing. I have to have faith in that every day or I'd go nuts. I got lucky with this one. And I couldn't be more blessed for that fact.

Day 17

It's been a good last few days. She's loved the attention from her grandpa and the holidays went off great. I'm saddened by the fact that her grandma is going back home tomorrow and will not be here any more. But Chance is doing great. She smiled the other day while dreaming and I found she has the cutest dimples in her cheeks. Grandma is going to let us keep the camera until we go down on vacation in a few months. With any luck we will be able to get a camera of our own before then. Squeaker is growing more and more every day and she's staying awake more and more. The breastfeeding is going...but it's not completely connected there. It's a trial and error and we're working on it. She's still waking up every 3-4 hours for food but that's okay. She's still doing great. She's definitely growing which is so great. I'm so tickled. I am so excited about showing her things and teaching her traditions. I have been so busy this holiday season that I've hardly had time to e-mail, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Baby's First Thanksgiving

Well it's been a better last couple of days, but still busy. It's such a great day today. She's home for her first holiday. That's the most wonderful thing about it all. I'm so thankful for my little girl. I can't imagine life without her. There is so much to be thankful for. And she's one of the biggest. I thank God for her existence, and every day that I get to wake up and spend with her.

Day 11 - Long last few days

It's been interesting, still working at getting all of my house put together and everything. Last night was terrible. She cried and cried all night long. My husband and I were exhausted getting up this morning. And he got up way before I did this morning. UGH! I know, I know...welcome to mommyhood huh?

Day 8 - Second doctors visit

Last night went well. I did have a moment when I actually incorporated her crying into my dream. That scared me a bit because I'm not sure how long she cried for. On a good note though she gained 11 oz over the last week and is now 5 lb 2 oz! I'm so proud of my little girl. What else can I say?

Day 7

She's been home a week today. It's been a pretty good week all in all. Mom has been helping me so much watching her while I get things cleaned up from where we've been doing home improvements. And it's been long going...especially when I forget to turn the drier on while doing clothes. LoL! But she's doing great. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow to see how she's gaining and make sure everything is good there. She slept better last night though we're going to do an experiment tonight. She seems to be uncomfortable in her crib at times but she sleeps really well in the bouncy chair. So, we're going to let her sleep in the bouncy chair tonight next to the bed and see how that works.

Well, until tomorrow...

Day 6 - Better day today

Last night was quite a bit better than yesterday. She slept really well last night now that she's taking her bottle again. She's doing so well. I love it when her eyes are open. She's so gorgeous. All I want to do is look at her. LoL! And she's so funny when she gets upset, her forehead wrinkles and she gets the most awful face. It's cute. NOW. LoL!

Day 5, still rough...

Last night was a little better but not 100% by any means. Not that I expect it to be that way, but last night was rough too. Not as bad as the night before, but rough. She seems uncomfortable for some reason. Not all the time, but from time to time she will stretch out and start crying, from stretching. It's so hard not to take this personally and feel inadequate no matter what everyone else thinks or tells me. She seems to be taking her bottle better today which is definitely a plus.

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and she would never be uncomfortable. As good as she has been her only set back is burping. She does NOT like burping. At all. And it's not that she doesn't like it...it is damn near impossible! She just does not burp. LoL!

And my pumping has been troubling me. My supply for some reason has just dropped off. And it's so hard for me to explain why it bothers me so bad, but it does. I feel like, if I've been able to breast feed up until now, I should be able to continue until she no longer needs it. And more than that...I'm her mama. I should be able to provide for her. And I can't do that if my supply dries up. Mom tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself and my poor husband, He has a hard time understanding how I don't just let nature do what it does and kick back and relax. But it's so hard to even try to explain. I have expectations of myself and when those expectations aren't met, whether it's in my control or not, then there is something wrong. And as frustrated as I make those around me because of it, there it is none the less. To quote my husband, tellin me not to worry about things like this is like walking outside during a hurricane and telling the wind not to blow. Pointless and a waste of time.

And I know a lot of my frustration is due to lack of sleep, but that is one thing that cannot be helped at the moment. Which is another frustration of mine all together. I think I have control issues. LoL! That being said, I'm sure Chance will teach me more and more every day that I have no control. And I need to be taught that in all honesty. I can't stand what I can't control and the fact of the matter is that God is in control in every aspect. I have NEVER had control, and that's okay. And she teaches me that every day and every time I pray.

I also have fears in myself that I will become my ex-husband. I can tell at times when I yell at the ole man for no more reasons than I am frustrated at other things, there are some issues there. And I can recognize it and I know it's there and it scares the hell out of me. I dispise everything about my ex, I don't want to become him. That's one of the reasons I worry about yelling at any of my kids in my life, from my own little girl to all my nephews and my niece. And it's crazy. I look at her beautiful face, and I see those amazing eyes looking back at me and I know instantly I would kill anyone who hurts her, and yet I still worry. I worry that when I get frustrated or something I will yell at her. And I know I'm going to pop her on her butt when she gets older and it's going to break my heart. And yet I still worry.

I guess too I'm just a little overwhelmed with everything going on. My house is still a disaster, my family is coming in for the holidays next weekend, I'm worried about ANYONE who gets around her, I'm worried about not being a good mommy, I'm worried about a million and one things...all of which I can't control, and it's overwhelming me.

My first momism...

Ok so this morning her Nuk-nuk fell into the floor and instead of running all the way out into the kitchen, 5 second rule applied, I stuck it in my mouth, made sure it was clean, and then stuck it into hers. Of course, this was in my bedroom floor where I know what's been on it, and not out somewhere...but there it is. LoL!

Day 4 - A little rough patch

Last night was difficult. We don't know if she was colic or what it was. She was just fussy all night last night, and she didn't eat very much at all. The pediatrician said that she would be fine as long as she took even an ounce every 2-3 hours and even if we had to wake her up for it. Just to make sure she doesn't get dehydrated. She's been taking almost 3 ounces per feeding so it has me concerned. I will have to just wait and see how it goes. Grandma was able to get her to take 2 1/2 ounces earlier so maybe last night was just a fluke and because her tum tum was upset. She's asleep now. Though how she can sleep through the racket of me doing dishes and vacuuming and daddy banging on the floor in the bathroom ripping it out, I'll never know. LoL! Yet, here she sits. She doesn't suck her thumb either. She sucks her index finger, with her thumb under her chin and her other fingers on her nose. Her eyes are silver today. She's blessed with eyes that will change color dependent on what she's wearing. She can't seem to get comfortable and I just can't figure it out.

Day 3

Today is another good day. She slept really well last night. I'm starting to learn her quirks and my husband and I are in competition to see who can change a diaper the fastest. I'm currently in the lead (Wink*Wink). The bouncy chair is STILL the most useful thing I have. She cannot STAND to be alone in her crib during the day so there is no real quiet time for her, but she sleeps just as soundly with all the commotion going on (With the exception of when her Godfather accidentally kicks her bouncy chair...LoL!) as she would if she was in her crib in the room. She has to be around people. If not she is not happy. My little girl is already a social butterfly. And her eyes are the most beautiful color of blue you will ever see. She is 7 weeks now so I'm confident her eye color will not change any more. She has a little pink onsie on right now and it almost makes her eyes look violet. She's such a happy baby. The only time she really cries is when she's hungry. Then she is all about letting one of us know that she will NOT be denied. LoL! And I've started distinguishing her cries. She has one for hungry, one for dirty/wet and one for "Dammit mama...hold me!" I have also found that she is fine being held by someone as long as mama or daddy is around. And she is very about her grandma too. She loves to be cuddled and held. I remember when I first held her one of the nurses telling me that some babies don't like to be held. They said that it is that the mothers don't show them much affection in the womb. I couldn't imagine not rubbing my tummy when she was in there. Hell I've had her and I still instinctively at times want to reach down and rub my tummy. I just don't understand. She's so beautiful.

Day 2

Today is so much better. The first night I think was so bad because it was new for everyone involved. Things have definitely changed. Turtle is a major guard dog over her. Every time she even makes a noise he runs over and then looks at her then looks at me as if to say "Fix it Mama." and Symphony is scared she is going to break her. She looked at her when I put her in the little bouncy chair that I got from my baby shower (Which is coming in SO HANDY), then she sat down and looked up at me as of to say "Is it okay mama? Can I touch her?" I had to reassure her that she wouldn't break her and she gently got close enough to sniff. To which my daughters response of course was a little squeak. Poor Symphony backed up like she was scared to death and sat down looking up at me and asking me if she was okay again. I am sure once she gets used to Chance being home, it won't be a major deal and she won't be so scared she'll break. The room mate held her for the first time last night, as well as the grandparents on dads side last night. And her Godfather got to hold her for a bit last night as well. Every one of them looked like they were going to break her by looking at her. The bouncy chair has been THE BEST gift. It rocks, and then is also stationary. It has little elephants than hang down and the middle little hangy toy makes little music when you pull on it. It fascinates her. And when it is rocking, she is out. LoL!

She is a lot more contented today than she was yesterday. The first day was a MAJOR ADJUSTMENT for both of us but we ALL got sleep last night. Good sleep too. That's important. She grinned at me today. She loves to be held and loves being showered with kisses. That makes me smile. She's still so tiny. Tiny but Mighty. I love my little girl.

Day 1

I'm EXHAUSTED! She was up all night...ergo, so was I.

Home

WE'RE HOME! EKE!!!

Eke!!!

HOLY CRAP SHE'S COMING HOME!

NUF SAID.

Coming home...???

Well, with any luck she will be coming home in the next couple of days. The doctors said that they are going to check her red blood cell count again tomorrow and if it's good from them giving her more blood today, then I will pretty much be going up to the hospital so that I can stay the night and bring her home Thursday. Eke! I'm all giddy with excitement! I'm trying not to get too excited until they call me in the morning and say for sure one way or another yes or no, but it's there none the less. She is up to 4 lbs 5 oz and all I can do is wait.

Didn't dodge that bullet...

Just got off the phone with the hospital. Going to see my little girl today and feed just as planned, but she's going to be hooked up to an IV. They took blood this morning and ran tests and her Red Blood Cell count was low because they've basically pulled enough, that she needs more blood in her little body. They told us at the beginning that most premies have to have a transfusion to add blood, but since she was so close to coming home, I was almost hoping that we could dodge that one. I was wrong. Still she is doing remarkably well. They are thinking that she will be home soon because as soon as she can hold her temp, she will be able to come home. But they have to add blood to her little body. I hate that. But it's for her, and it will bring her home quicker.

In a crib

They have put her back in the crib and she seems to be doing well. All she has to do is maintain temp. The doctor has a scheduled blood test and routine eye exam scheduled for tomorrow. She gained 12 grams last night and is 4 lbs 2 oz now so she is still doing great! She's my rock. I posted it perfect the other day when I said that I feel like she is the only think keeping me from flying off the face of the earth as the rest of the world spins out of control. It's all going to be worth it I know, it's just driving me crazy at the moment.

1900 Grams

Well, they're going to try putting her in a crib again when she reaches 1900 grams. She's 1840 now. I was told today that once she gets in a crib and holds her own temp, she gets to come home. I cannot begin to explain how excited I am! The way she gaining weight, it should be any time. Tee hee. I'm all giddy. My little girl might be home in a week so long as she keeps doing well! I'm trying to keep from getting too excited, and still trying to take it one day at a time, but oh my gosh...I can't help it. She's coming home soon! It's so real now! I'm so excited!

Doing so well.

My little girl is doing great. She's so beautiful. They changed her feeding schedule to every 4 hours now instead of just every 3 and she's eating 3 oz per feeding. Holy crap! That's a lot! I'm so tickled! I couldn't feed her today because they didn't tell me that they changed her feeding schedule, but I did get to hold her today and see that beautiful face. There is nothing more gorgeous than my little girls face when she's content. She looked up at me today and she's got her daddy's eyes. They're such a beautiful blue. She loves just being held and rocked. She talked today making little noises while I was talking to her and she smiled today too. Especially when I mentioned daddy. She grinned so big. Then I giggled, and then she smiled some more. And what's more, her MRSA test came back negative yesterday! That's so wonderful! I couldn't be more thrilled about that fact! She's healthy! And God she's so beautiful.

4 lb's!!!

My little girl hit the 4 lb mark last night! She's doing so well! I can't wait to see her today. Got to wash her some clothes and take them up there for her. Eke! I'm so excited. Its getting closer and closer, and she'll be home before I know it.

My first experience...

Got to hold my little girl today again for the first time in over a week. Not only did I get to hold her, I got to breast feed her. It was indescribable. To know that my baby was able to actually feed from my body. I can't even begin to tell you the feeling. It was so amazing. I cried. She did wonderfully. They said at the hospital that she was perfect and she is still really early to be doing that. My mom said earlier that when she had me she played a song "You and Me Against the World", and I can see why now. When you have that little girl, knowing that you created that, and you can feed her and protect her, there is no greater feeling.

Weening her

She is completely off the feeding tube now and they are trying to ween her off the crib. She seems to be doing great holding her temperature. She is taking more and more food with each feeding and just doing amazing. She is doing so well! I'm so proud of my little girl! She's a fighter. I'm crying I'm so happy. I can't help it. I want to go up there so bad and just hold her and everything, but I'm not allowed to drive, meaning I have to rely on someone else to drive me to see her until Friday. Grrr! I hate surgery!

Another quick update

I am still very out of it considering. It's hard to type because of the drugs they have me on for pain make me sleep. I'll be glad when I can stop taking them. Squeaker in the meantime still continues doing great! She's up to 3 lbs 11 oz now, taking everything by bottle now and she is eating 50 cc's per bottle. I'm so proud of my little girl. I'll be able to bring her home soon. I'm both incredibly excited, and incredibly scared. God I hope I'm a good mommy once she comes home.

Short update...

Been a rough week this week. 5 weeks to the day after delivery I delivered an ugly gall bladder. Yep. Went in for surgery at 8:00 am, they took out the gall bladder, then at 3:30 they went in and removed the stones that had gotten through the duct and into my liver. I'm home now but still very out of it. On the plus side, my daughter is great. She's still 3 lbs 9 oz but she's been gaining steady by 20-30 grams a day. Will update more later when I'm not as out of it.

3 whole ounces!!!

My little girl gained 3 ounces tonight! Up to 3 lbs 9 oz. I'm so tickled! She's doing so well! We finished the floors in the living room today and put the play pen up. All I could do was smile. My husband made googley eyes at me and told me I was in mommy mode. It was so great! My heart swelled a little bit more and I grinned from ear to ear. I looked at it and could just see us all in the living room watching the TV and my little girl right there with us in the play pen. Soon.

Big day yesterday

She was a month old yesterday! I know I didn't blog yesterday, just had a whole lot going on. And the saga continues on in my life. She's still non-symptomatic of the MRSA which is a great thing. She is up to 3 lb's 6 oz now and is doing so well. I can't help but brag. I can put clothes on her now. I have some really cute premie clothes from her great aunt, but I'm scared to take them to the hospital in the event that they come up missing. Not saying that it would happen, just saying that it could, and the posibility is enough that I want to take up some onsies that I don't care if anything happens to them, and save the cute ones for when she comes home. I got to hold her again today. It was so amazing! I can see why parents can just watch their babies sleep all night. It was the most peaceful thing holding her and watching her sleep today. She's so beautiful. She's so tiny. Wow. I never knew I could feel like this.

Needing prayers...

My little girl has tested positive for MRSA. It's antibiotic resistant staph. Right now it's on her skin only but she is in isolation and will be until she comes home. This is also something that she will have for the rest of her life. MRSA is also very contagious. I'm allowed to hold her, but no Kangaroo Care any longer. I have to scrub up, then I have to use a special gown that has long sleeves then I have to put gloves on. I can't even touch my little girl. I want her home so bad. She is not symptomatic of the Staph thank GOD! I'm praying that she is not going to become symptomatic and that she will be able to come home with no complications at all. If she does not become symptomatic then it means that she is just a carrier of MRSA and not affected by it at the moment. My major hope is that she is just a carrier and that this does not get into her bloodstream. I can only pray.

She lost 15 grams today but is still 3 lb's 4 oz and the nurse said that was okay for her to lose like that, she will have nights that she will do that. And tonight, she snored. She sounded just like her daddy. I told the nurse tonight, if I hadn't carried her for 7 1/2 months, I'd never know she was mine! LoL!

Short update...LoL!

My little girl gained 2 oz tonight! She's 3 lb's 4 oz now! I can't even begin. I'm so excited! Tee hee! Life is good! How can it not be when I found out today also that I'm not contagious and I can see my little girl tomorrow! Eke!!!

Another ounce!

My little girl gained another ounce today! She's now 3 lbs 2 oz! The nurse said that after 95 more grams she will be able to wear clothes! I'm so excited! Until I realize I have no premie clothes for her to wear! Holy crap! LoL! Oh well. I don't even care. I just know that it means that she will be coming home soon! The daytime nurse said today they upped her bottle feedings to 3 times a day. She said that she seemed to do okay with it but she was a tuckered out little girl trying to take a feeding in the middle of the day today. LoL! Bless her little heart. It takes a lot to take a bottle. I am going shopping for some clothes for my little girl to take to the hospital for when she gets big enough! Eke!

She hit 3 lb's!!!

Yeah baby! I'm so excited right now! My little girl is 3 lb's 1 oz tonight! Daddy got to bottle feed her and burp her because I am sick and not able to go up there. He said it was the coolest thing. I can't begin to explain how excited I am about this! She will be home before we know it! I'm so happy I can't stand it! Holy crap! She's gonna be home soon! Eke! I'm so tickled!

More and more...

She gained 30 grams today. She's up to 2 lb's 15 oz. I'm so tickled! Yay! Life is fab!!!!

Bottle is up to twice a day now

I just talked to the nurse. My sister was up there today and we talked about how she was doing. So I called the nurse with a couple of questions. *Yep sis...she was sneezin. And it's cuz of the tube in her nose. They said it was normal so she's good. No worries. Thank you for letting me know definitely.*

They also said that they are going to increase her bottle feeding to 27 ML's (Which my sister told me...LoL!) and increase her bottle to twice a day. Once on the day shift and once on the night. I'm so tickled. She seems to be tolerating the calorie enhancer really well this time thankfully so we will see how much weight she's gaining tonight! Eke! It's so amazing!

So many things...

Okay so yesterday at the hospital they were talking to me about the things for when I bring her home. There is so much stuff to remember. If you smoke, you have to smoke outside, and put a jacket or coat on, take that jacket or coat off at the door before coming in just so that you can keep as much of the smell off of your clothes or self as much as possible so that she is not affected by what is now called 3rd hand smoke. Obviously I don't want anyone smoking around her at all, but I'm also not allowed to use any cleaning products that smell. If it smells, it's toxic to her. That includes Pinesol, down to bleach. I am hoping to bring her home for Thanksgiving but we're most likely going to have to fore go the holiday this year because of a chance that my little girl could get sick from someone who might have a cold. She's not allowed out of the house with the exception of to see her doctor, for at least the first 6 months if not longer as determined by her pediatrician. I hope I can remember all of this stuff. They don't want anyone even really seeing her unless you are immediate family and you are positive beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are not sick or been subject to any type of germs. I am going to put some instant hand sanitizer by the door and by her bedroom door. They said that it's imperative that our hands are clean if we are going to handle her, every time we are going to handle her. We are to wash our hands thoroughly and then use the instant stuff too before we set foot in her bedroom. And I'm going to. I want to just put her in a bubble for the first year and not let anyone in or out. There are so many things that can make her sick because she's a premie. She is extremely susseptable to infection and if she catches a cold right now it's immediately back to the hospital. It's hard enough from this point. I've been told by the hospital that there is absolutely NO daycare at first, she's just too frail at this moment. No other kids are allowed to be around her for the first 6 months period. So much stuff to remember. I'm scared stupid. I'm so worried that I'm going to forget something, or do something, and she will wind up in the hospital. I can't help it. I'm a new mom and my little girl is already spending the first 2 months of her life in the hospital. Call me crazy, call me anal, call me a bitch. I don't care. I refuse to do anything once she's home, to put her back into the hospital if I can help it. No matter how many people I make mad. I am a mommy now. She is my first priority. I have to protect her. The nurse made a good point yesterday. I am her voice. No one else. I'll probably wind up giving her a pretty loud voice. LoL! But that's okay. I've found myself in this life change. I don't care if people get upset with me any more. I love my peoples, but my daughter and my husband are my life now, and I'm going to protect my family. I've grown up knowing that family is everything and sometimes, it's all you have to hold on to and keep you grounded. And buddy, I intend to hold on with both hands and never let go. Momhood definitely does change you. I didn't believe it at first, but I do now. My priorities have changed completely.

40 Gram weight gain today.

She gained 40 grams today. 2 lbs 14 oz today! I'm so tickled. Woo woo! They want the weight on her quickly. So that I can bring her home! I'm so excited!

Going to the bottle.

I got to hold and feed my little girl today, out of a bottle! It was amazing! I was scared stupid. The nurse told me I was okay to be nervous but she was just fine. One of the neonatologists was up there and she told me that she was doing great and that she actually was going to try the fortifier again too so that she will gain more weight quicker. They want her to come home as quickly as possible. It was amazing feeding her today. She did so well. It only took 8 minutes for her to finish the bottle. Then she slept so soundly today. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. Hell what am I sayin? She's beautiful all the time. Not just when she's asleep. But when she sleeps, she's so peaceful. So content. Full belly is a great thing when you're a baby. That's what it's all about. LoL! I am hoping she gained some weight today. I will call and find out soon. Until then...

Daddy got to weigh her...

So daddy just called from the hospital. He got to weigh his baby girl tonight. She gained 5 grams today. She lost a few grams last night that dropped her down to 2 lbs 13 oz. She's still 2 lbs 13 oz tonight, but she gained 5 of those grams back. He also said that they are bottle feeding her once a day and they want me to do it tomorrow. I'm so excited! Actually I'm nervous as hell, but I'm excited too! And she's still testing negative for blood in her stool. Oh my gosh! She's feeding out of a bottle! I'm so excited! That means she is that much closer to coming home! I pray that she keeps doing this well and is able to come home soon.

Gain Baby Gain!!!!

Today has been a great day! I got to see my daughter, I got to give her a massage on her legs and they said that she loves to be touched which is great! They said that a lot of babies don't like being touched because their nervous system still hadn't developed completely and it can hurt them, but she loves it! She absolutely loved it! I am so tickled. Then I got to hold her and talk to her nurse. First she informed me that she tested negative for blood in her stool today. First one in 4 days! Oh and then...then, (tee hee), she gained 90 grams today! 3 whole ounces! My little girl is getting bigger! She's 2 lb 14 oz now! I'm so tickled! The nurse said she had to weigh her twice! *Side note, since I'm on the subject of nurses, I want to shout out to my high risk peoples! Ya'll are the bomb diggety! Love ya'll and miss ya! You were outstanding!*

Anyway, life is good today. I'm so proud of my little girl. It's an amazing feeling motherhood. Even in the good things and the bad. It's true that the bad times DEFINITELY make you appreciate the good. It's the little things in life, like gaining 3 ounces in 1 day, that makes life worth while.

Still hangin in there!!!

Talked to the doctor today. It's about time!!! Grrr!!! I can't hate. He's got a rough job. He did make me feel a LOT better! When I asked him how accurate the tests were he explained that there are several reasons that a smear test can come back positive for blood in the stool and the fact is that clinically, my little girl is doing great. She gained another 10 grams tonight! She's up to 2 lbs 11 oz! I'm so happy! She's so beautiful.

10 More Grams!!!

Got to see my Squeaker tonight. Got to hold her for a bit. She seems to love watching everything around her. Her eyes are so beautiful. She was very awake tonight and oh my goodness did she squirm. She was also rooting around looking to latch on tonight. They said that was DEFINITELY a good sign and they were happy about it on the floor. I couldn't help but smile. And boy does she get fussy at feeding time. When she's hungry, she is NOT afraid to let you know about it! LoL! It's so great! And I've come to the determination that I am the one that gives her the hiccups. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but every time I hold her she gets the hiccups bless her little heart. Such are the perils of mommyhood. Poor tyke. She's so far gotten her veins from her daddy (Thank God for that!), she's got her mama's sense of patience (NONE!), and when she sleeps, she sticks one foot out of he covers. Just like both mama and daddy. LoL! I love my Squeaker so much. Life is so amazing with her in it.

Gain that weight baby girl!!!!

Last night she gained 30 grams! Tonight she gained 10! She's up to 2 lbs 10 oz! She's still testing positive, however my aunt is a nurse and she gets a nurses magazine every month and the one she was reading was talking about the test that they use to determine if there is blood in my little girls stool, is 70% inaccurate. Now that makes me wonder. With all the positive and negative readings they've been having with her, how much of that is correct? I'm not saying I don't have cause for worry, but how much cause do I really have to worry? Is all of it unfounded? I don't know. And I HATE not knowing. Especially when it comes to my daughter. Anyway, she's well tonight, and the doctor is supposed to call me in the morning so that I can ask him my questions and see what happens from here. Only time will tell and all I can do is pray that God keep his hands over my little girl and gives me patience to tolerate these ups and downs. I can't wait to bring my little girl home.

What's going on?

I'm so frustrated. It's hard enough being a new mother, then throw in your child being in the NICU and then something going on with her. Now I've dealt with a lot of things so far. It's been interesting but not all bad, despite the set backs. So I'm told that there is still blood in her stool. Now this is going on day 4 of blood in her stool. And no one seems to know why it's there. She's eating fine, she's not fussy and the X-Rays are normal so that leaves it to an intolerance in her food or diaper rash. Or something that they can't find. And at this point what I need to do is just wait. Then, they proceed to inform me that they're dropping her food to 22 ML's instead of the 24 they have her on now, but no one can tell me why? Really? You're going to tell a mother this!? A first time mother!? No! This is unacceptable. You do NOT just tell me that my daughter has blood in her stool and then follow it up with no one knows why. I still don't know anything. I'm not doing very well with this information at all. This is MY CHILD! YOU DO NOT JUST TELL ME THAT SHE STILL HAS BLOODY STOOLS AND ALL WE CAN DO IS WAIT AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON! AS HER MOTHER IT IS MY JOB TO WORRY ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF AND YOU CANNOT JUST CONTINUE TO TELL ME THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER. SHE IS IN THE NICU. THE FACT THAT THERE IS BLEEDING MEANS THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE THAT YOU AS THE HOSPITAL AND NEONATAL ICU DOCTOR DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS AND I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT!

Ok Really!?

So I'm on my way up to see my daughter this morning. Now she's been dealing with this bloody stool thing. When I called last night she'd also had a bout with Apnea which is normal, but she quits breathing for a few seconds and then starts back up. Then again today she had one. And she's also remained the same weight meaning it's good that she hasn't lost any, but she also hasn't gained any either.

Anyway, on the way to the hospital this morning, I get this small pain in my chest. Feels like I have a rock sitting on my stomach. Nothing major, indigestion. And then I couldn't breathe. Then it got a little scary. I couldn't catch my breath and the pain started radiating. So off to the hospital I go. We're close to one anyway, (Not the one that my daughter is at unfortunately) so we go to the one we're closest to, they run me in and start doing tests including a CT scan and blood tests and everything else and find after 6 hours of tests that I have a Hiatal Hernia. Yay me huh? At least it's just a hernia and nothing major. That's what I'm thankful of. But we got out of there and I was able to make it up to see my shining star. My Squeaker.

She's doing good. Bright eyed. The world is hers for the taking. I will call in a few minutes and find out what she weighed and hope and pray that she's gained some weight. Because last night she didn't gain any and the night before that she lost. Please God let her have gained some weight today. And let this just be an issue that can be hurdled quickly and she will be on her way to speedy weight gain and home in no time.

Trying to remain positive

Just called to check on my little girl for the afternoon. This morning they reported that it was all good and that she was doing great, bright eyed looking out at the world. This afternoon I call to check again and they tell me that they found a little bit of blood in her stool this morning. They said that there were a number of things that could cause this including one being the diaper rash she has a touch of. They did an X-Ray of her stomach and didn't find anything, and they also said she's not fussy or anything and she's tolerating her feedings well so they suspect it's just the diaper rash but dang...they suspect? They're not for sure. All they can do is wait. I don't like just waiting. This is awful. Please just pray that my little girl is alright and that it's not anything serious and that it is just the diaper rash. Please just let it be diaper rash.

My little girl

Got to see Squeaker. She is doing fabulous. They are going to weigh her soon and I will call and get an update. I'm tickled. They moved her up a floor today! I'm so happy! She's so precious! She's doing so well!!! I'm amazed at her progress. There are just no words. I got to hold her for an hour today. Of course, she nestled in and went right to sleep after the meal! It was so great! I love my little girl! She's so amazing!

Woo hoo!!!!

She's up to 24 ML's per feeding! I'm so tickled! That's amazing! I can't wait to see her today. She's such a big girl. I'm so proud of her! I'm beside myself. Hopefully I will be able to hold her today. She seems to be doing really well with the Kangaroo Care so they are happy when we want to do it. And of course...you know I love it when she gets her time with me or daddy. It's so special. I can't wait!

Stand in the Rain Lyrics...for my Squeaker

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

It's by Superchick and I fell in love with it when I was listening to a christian radio station in my cousins car. It's for my Squeaker. She's so tough! I'm so proud of her.

It's going good

She gained another 8 grams today. I'm so tickled for my little squeaker, she is doing so well! They said she's tolerating her food better and having no residuals. That's amazing. It's been a good day.

2 weeks old today

Wow it has been 2 weeks already. I've had no concept of time in the last 2 weeks except to know that every other day I get to go to the hospital and see my angel. I have moments when it seems like she was just born yesterday and then others when I'm shocked at the fact that she's 14 days old today, and it's only been 14 days since she's been born. My little squeaker.

My husband asks me about the pain and I mean, I feel it, I feel it every time I go to wash my hands and I scrub over the spot where my IV was in my wrist and it hurts and is so sore and achy. I feel it every time I got to bend over and I feel it where I had the c-section, or every time I throw my legs over the bed and it stretches just a tiny bit. But then I look at her tiny face, and I see those gorgeous eyes of hers, bright and full of life, and none of it matters. None of the pain matters. It's there, but I'd gladly take it. Because I know that it's there, because she's here. And it's so worth it. Life is so precious. I thank God every day because she's here. I can't wait until she comes home. It's so hard sometimes to take it one day at a time but I have to, because I know that every one day is a step closer and is such a blessing.

Yay!!!

My little girl gained 30 grams tonight! She's 2 lbs 8 oz now! I'm so proud of my little girl. She's such a big girl. I'm so happy I can't stand it. Today daddy got to go up there and do the Kangaroo Care. Got lots of good pictures and a couple of videos. He asked me if I wanted to do it, but she needs her daddy time.

LoL! Daddy was scared to death. It was so funny. He thought he was gonna break her. It was so cute watching him hold her. It was an amazing sight. I cried. LoL! Anyway she's doing great. I'm so glad I can report that tonight. And even happier that she's tolerating the formula. God is good.

She took it!!!

They said that the formula feeding took great! She only had like 1 ML of residual which they said is pretty normal for the first formula feeding. They said she is doing great! I'm on my way to see her now!

On a good note...

I called to check on my young'un. She's gained 50 grams today! I'm amazed. They just gave her the first bit of formula tonight. We will see how she does with it. They said all in all though, she's doing great tonight. This moms worry of mine is probably all for not, but I'd rather be sure.

Not tolerating it

Well, I just called the hospital. They told me yesterday that they were putting her on a calorie fortifier which they are adding to my breast milk. No problem. It adds calories. Something she needs to grow. Well, she's not tolerating it. At all. So they are going to give her 3 feedings of regular breast milk and then 1 of formula and see how that works. Her nurse proceeds to explain that there are times that the babies stomachs cannot tolerate the formula either. If that happens they will have to put her strictly on IV fluids for a week and try to start giving her milk again after that. They said it was very normal for that to happen with premies but damn it breaks my heart to hear this. It kinda seems like a step back. They may be able to keep her on the formula for the 4th feeding, but basically she's not gaining as much weight as the doctor would like, so they're trying to up her calorie intake. They said breast milk is around 18-20 calories per ounce and they want her up to 24 calories per ounce. Hence the fortifier, which she is not tolerating. Only time will tell, and I'm probably jumping to conclusions and worrying for nothing but dammit, I'm a mom and it's my job to worry when my daughter is not doing as well as she could be. Can't help it. Anyway, will find out more later when I call this evening after evaluation. Until then...

Growing

Well, it's day 12. My young'un gained a whole nother ounce last night! Eke! I'm all giddy with excitement. The doctors haven't determined yet if she can come off the light but as soon as they see her we should know something. I'm so excited. My baby is doing great! It's amazing what God does. He gave her to me. No doubt she wouldn't be here if not for him. And she's so beautiful. She looks just like her daddy. It's no wonder the nurses are all in love with her. LoL! Maybe I'm just bias too. NAH!

My smile

Ok really folks, I'm so glad I got to see my smile today. If I hadn't I'd be pulling my hair out right now! I only got to hold her for 30 minutes today because she was under the light, but she was so precious today. Like she's not precious every day. Hah! I got video of her with the hiccups. Oh my gosh, she squeaked, she looked so cute. Bless her little heart. She had them big time. It was pitiful. Anyway, she's my whole world. Then I got into the ever fateful time quandry, I'm wishing it would pass fast so that she could hurry up and come home, and soon enough I'm going to be wishing she would stop. Then of course I bawled my eyes out. LoL!

But such is life right!? Anyway, the home front .... oh my goodness, don't even get me started! Lets see, the septic tank needs to be replaced completely because the old one which is 20+ yrs old has settled and sheered off the escape pipe to the back end of the tank leading to the leech bed. Good times right!? Water company is out fixing our water on top of that. UGH! Good times.

But I can't complain. Because stuff is stuff on the home front, and it can be fixed and replaced. The important thing is that my daughter is doing good. She's growing more and more every day and I'm so excited every day I can hold her. She's more and more awake and the nurse said they are trying to incorperate her nuk-nuk with feeding time and she seems to be taking to it really well. That's the important things in life. And that, is going good. That is all I can ask for.

Another good night!!!

I called again. My daughter is doing good! She's on the light tonight and tomorrow for Jaundice, but they said it's alright, most premies have bouts with Jaundice when they're young like that. Other than that she's good. She gained 10 grams today so she's back to her birth weight now and she's been bumped up to 21 ML's per feeding! I'm so proud of my little girl. She's doing so well! I can't wait to see her tomorrow. Hoping we can hold her but theyr'e not sure, since she's on the light if I can or for how long. No matter. I just want to be able to see my little girl. To lay my eyes on her gorgeous face and see her beautiful, beautiful eyes. Anyway folks, until tomorrow.

Updating for yesterday...

I did good...I didn't cry at the hospital when I left my little girl. I waited until I was home! I'm getting better. Yesterday I got to hold her for a good while. She was wide awake almost the whole time. Except when I was holding her she hunkered down again and went to sleep after eating. They said at the hospital that she's such a big little girl. Just waiting to grow. They said at the moment she's wide awake right now. They said she's so cute. LoL! I can't help but smile and nod my head on the other end and say thanks. She's such my little angel baby. I can't wait to have her home. I look at her picture on my computer and it makes me want to cry. I can't believe that beautiful little baby came from me. My husband and I created life. It's amazing what love can do. I look at my husband now and I have a profound new love for him. I wouldn't have my angel if it wasn't for him. And yeah, any guy can lay down and make a baby. They do it all the time. But it takes a daddy to create an angel. It takes love to create a heart and a will and the strength to pull through that my little girl has. She's so tough. Everyone says that. That she's feisty! LoL! I love it! I can't imagine life without her. The last 9 days have been a MAJOR roller coaster though. I'm not even gonna pretend that they haven't been.

The rational part of me knows that my daughter is in the best place for her, but the mother in me just wants her home right now. I want to be able to pick her up when she cries. To feed her when she's hungry. To change her diaper when she's wet. To hold her when she needs held. To feel her warm little body against mine when she sleeps. Those little moments that mean evereything. Being able to kiss her tiny nose and feel here rest against me, knowing that it's okay. Mama's here. She's safe. She's loved more than life itself.

Anyway, back to my daughter, and off of my ramblings. She's doing great. She did amazing yesterday when I held her. They've upped her feedings to 19 ML's and I will check later but I'm assuming they will bump her up to 21 today. I will make sure. Oh and she gained her 5 grams back last night. She's still 2 lb 4 oz, but she got her 5 grams back! Woo hoo! She's growing! I'll be happy when she gets back to her birth weight. Man it seems to be taking so long to put the weight on. UGH! When I can look at a candy bar and put 5 lb's on my hips immediately!? Come on! Let's get going little body! Put that weight on! LoL! Anyway, she's doing so well. I'm so happy. I'm so proud of my little girl. She was properly named. It was when I left it to chance that she was concieved. Now it's by God's good grace that she's doing so well I'm sure, but I can't imagine changing her name to Grace. LoL!

Man it's a long drive.

Going up to see my little girl in a bit. I've got to leave here so early in order to make it on time for feeding. That is the only time that they will allow the Kangaroo Care so I have to be there at a certain time, and I'm not going to chance that one. They say it's because babies need as much sleep as they can and they need to be left alone as much as possible so as long as she's warm enough and it's feeding time, I can hold her. It makes sense. It sucks, but it makes sense. I also need to make sure I get up there and get my milk to her.

Man let me tell you, healing is rough! I have my good days and my bad days with the pain. Today is a bad day. All I can say is if it wasn't for my mama being here, I'd be in a world of hurt right now. And oh my gosh! On a side note...I just got a freaking spider out of my coffee cup. A SPIDER!? EEEEEWWWWWW GRODY! I mean really!? Anyway. I'm off to see my baby girl. Until later!

Good night

Just called the hospital. She's doing great. Tolerating her feedings really well at 17 ML's! I'm so proud of my little girl! Though there is a loss of 5 grams to report today. But the nurses said that was normal and that was okay being that she gained a whole ounce yesterday. So anyway, she's doing great and I can't wait to see her in the morning.

Got a call from the hospital.

Just got a call from the hospital. Earlier I checked on her and they told me that she was doing great and they were increasing her feedings to 17 ML's tonight. My heart fell and I almost couldn't talk to the nurse when she called. She assured me instantly that nothing was wrong with my daughter and that they were moving her within the NICU again. Now the next move up would actually be literally up, to the next floor. They tell me that they're actually moving her back to the spot she was in before this one. My heart falls out of my chest again! Why is she moving down!?

She explains that they're short handed for staffing and that what has happened is they have moved her to a bigger spot on the different part of the floor so that they can keep a good eye on her with the nurses. She then proceeds to inform me that they would like to move her to the next floor if they could but staffing wont allow it. However, within the next couple of days they should be able to move her up, and when they do, she will be up there until she goes home! I'm so excited! She's doing so well! I'm amazed! I want to cry tears of joy knowing that my baby girl is doing so good! I can't wait until she comes home!

It's a good day!

I just called and checked on my little girl. She's doing great today. They gave her a bath and they said that she was a little pipsqueak while they were giving her the bath but she's doing good now and sleeping very soundly. They were able to take the IV out completely and she's doing great! They said she's happy now that she's clean and full belly. I'm so happy. I hope to be able to make it out there today but there's no telling if I will or not. I'm just amazed that she's doing so well. I want to just hold her so much. Hold her and never let go.

Doing great!!!

My little girl is doing great! She's 2lb 4oz. She tolerated the 15 ML feeding tonight and if she tolerates one more they're going to remove the IV fluids completely! OH MY GOSH! My little girl is doing so good! They are in love with her at the NICU. Of course...what's not to love? She's got the sweetest face in the world and her little nose is so cute. She has the brightest eyes in the world. I absolutely adore her. So much love.

Indescribable

I got to hold my daughter for the first time today. They call it Kangaroo Care. There are no words in this world to express the feeling of your baby laying on you for the first time. I never knew I could love something so much as I do my little girl. She's doing so good. They are upping her feedings to 15 ML's and they said once she is established at that amount, they will be able to remove the IV fluids completely. I cannot even express the joy that fills my heart to know that. Seeing her today was amazing. She's still so tiny. The nurse said that some babies don't like being held by their mothers. It shocked and amazed me. My little girl ... not wanting to be held by me? I thank God that was not the case.

They call it Kangaroo Care at the hospital. It's where the mom or dad rests the baby on their chest, skin on skin. And doing that allows bonding with the baby and the respective parent, and they are able to be held for up to an hour like that out of the incubator. I cried. I was the Trevvy Fountain for the first 10 minutes. There were no words at all to describe the feeling. There still are no words. My heart is so full, it hurts. I look at my little girl and I smile. I could just about cry. I do cry. I couldn't imagine life without her, and she is 7 days old! They did say earlier today that after about a week, she should start putting on the weight pretty consistantly. She's a week today. My husband laughs at me because I told her today that I'm doing my job making milk, now it's up to her to do her job and put on weight. My husband says that she will have an amazing work ethic way early in life. I have to laugh myself but I look down at her sweet face, and I kiss her head and I can do nothing but cry again. Tears of joy, tears of love. I tell ya, when she gets home, I'm likely to never put her down. I told her earlier today though that as much as she will surely be spoiled, I will test that butt if she needs it. Though at this moment, I dunno if she will ever do wrong in my eyes. Time will tell I'm sure. Anyway, that's all for now. I will call later tonight and see if she gained any weight today. I'm sure I will report more when I know. Until then...

Update for the night

Just called and got an update on my daughter. She is doing great tonight! She is eating 13 ML's per feeding and seems to be tolerating it just fine. She's gained 5 grams! I'm so excited! They said that she's asleep on her belly right now and they are going to check her for jondis in the morning, she may have to go onto the lamp again but we will see when they run the blood test. I'm going up to see her first thing. I can't wait to see my little girl. I'll report more as I know it! She is such my whole heart. My whole world revolves around that little girl. I never imagined I could love so much.

The beginning of my story

This is Chance's story. She was born at 30 weeks. Dealing with Preclampsia, High Blood Pressure and Gestational Diabetes I was put in the hospital on Sept 19th because they were scared I would go into labor and being that I was 29 weeks along at the time, they didn't want me going into labor at home. So, they admitted me.

Not a lot happened in the first week. They did the best they could to drop my blood pressure as low as possible and finally after playing with medicine, they were able to get it under control. The Toxemia however, once it starts, there is no way to stop it. For those who don't know Toxemia is a condition that women can get with pregnancy that unfortunately, once you get it, the only way to stop it is to deliver the baby because the Toxemia comes from the placenta, and of course, you have to have the placenta in order to have the baby in the first place. There inlies the issue.

Let me actually start at the beginning of this whole story. My husband and I decided back in October of last year that after going on 8 years of marriage, we were finally ready for children. Okay I say we, but I was finally ready. My husband has been ready for kids since we got married. I had my own issues and was scared stupid about having a kid. So we tried. And we tried, and we tried. And every month, I would wind up not being pregnant.

February of this year rolls around and I know that I'm due to start my period, and there is none. I get excited, I take the pregnancy test, nothing. I'm once more brokenhearted at the fact that the pregnancy test has come back "Not Pregnant". So we wait. And we wait some more. Now comes the beginning of March. Still no period. Still the pregnancy test comes back "Not Pregnant", still I am confused. So we get into the end of the second week of March. My husband suggests we get one more pregnancy test. I stop at Wal-Greens on my way home from work on Saturday March 21st. My husband is at work so I call him as I take the test. I can't wait until he gets home. I'm too nervous.

So I do the little thing and I wait. It says that it could take up to 3 minutes for results to show up and with the last 2 tests, it had taken a while. So I stare at the test. My husband waits in silence on the phone and after about 45 seconds I see "Pregnant". And I stare at it for the longest moment waiting for the word "Not" to come up in front of the "Pregnant". My husband brings me back to reality asking me what the test says. I am speechless. I tell him he's going to be a daddy. All of a sudden I'm scared stupid. I'm actually pregnant. I'm going to be a mom. Holy crap! So, it's Saturday. I call my doctor and I tell them that I want a professional test and they tell me to come on in.

Then I call my daddy. Now he lives in a different state and he was with my grandma who was in the hospital at the time. In the hospital room with my mom and my aunt he answers the phone. I tell him..."Daddy, I'm pregnant." and I'm crying. So I reassure him that the tears are happy tears and he says "Well I would hope so." So I calm myself, and I say to him "Congratulations Grandpa." and he cries. So everyone else in the hospital room is now askin my dad why he's crying. So he says "Hello Grandma". So my grandma says "Oh, hi sweetie!" and my dad says, "No mom, actually I wasn't talking to you." Then my mama realizes he's talking to her, then it clicks for her that he said Grandma. The whole room was crying and saying congratulations and everything else.

The next step is the doctor. Now my sister went to an OB/GYN that was absolutely wonderful and delivered all 3 of her children. I was there when all 3 were born, I like this guy and further more, I trust him. So my husband and I talk about it and we go to him. So I go in for my first appointment with him on that following Wednesday and he decides that since my last period would suggest that I was 6-8 weeks along he would do a quick ultrasound and make sure everything looked okay. He does the ultrasound and he doesn't see anything. My heart falls out of my chest. He tells me, it could be that I'm too early, or it could be tubal that they needed to do more blood tests in a couple of days, see if the hormone levels are increasing, do another ultrasound and see what they could tell. Now, me being me and my timing with everything, he's going on vacation and the testing to be done on Friday would have to be done by one of his associates. Whatever. I didn't care at that point, I just wanted to know, was I still prego, was I not, where it was, so on and so forth.

So Friday rolls around and they pull the blood. Sure enough, my hormone levels are going up, the levels are still conducive to the thought that I'm 6-8 weeks along, so they do an ultrasound. I go to the imaging place, they do 2 ultrasounds, I'm there for half the afternoon and they find something. They find what looks like a possible cyst on my ovary, that if the baby is 6-8 weeks along, its about that size. So they rush me in that moment for an emergency laproscopy to now remove the baby which is not where it's supposed to be.

Well, they run me in, they do the laproscopy to remove the embryo, I wake up about an hour later and find, guess what...there's no baby. They cyst on my ovary was just a cyst on my ovary and they can't find the baby in the tubes. Now by this point they know that I haven't miscarried, and they know that it's not in the ovaries or tubes. So I'm still pregnant. Turns out after everything was all said and done, even with the hormone levels being as high as they were in my blood and missing my period, I had missed my period as an absolute fluke, that had nothing to do with me being pregnant (Hence the negative pregnancy tests), my hormone levels just happened to be really high, and I was only 3 weeks along. Not 6-8 weeks as originally thought. And the reason why the ultrasound couldn't find her was because well obviously, she's just a few cells that have divided. So we wait.

The rest of it went as normal as a regular pregnancy could go. Visits were good, ultrasounds went good, she of course had her legs closed in the initial big ultrasound so we weren't for sure she was a girl, but I knew. I'd been sure of it from the first week that she was a little girl. Well I'd had my thoughts, but I'd had my doubts. My daddy on the other hand was positive that she was a girl. You couldn't tell him one way from Adam that it was a boy, he wasn't havin any of it! LoL! And I had my issues with my pregnancy. My hips were misplaced so we already knew there was a good chance that I was going to have to have a c-section already. Then my uterus was tilted and the placenta was toward the back part of the uterus anyway so it took me forever to be able to feel her moving. Then came the third tri-mester. Time to come off of all my medicines that I'm taking that can affect my daughter. That was fun! That's when I started having issues with my blood pressure and when they started worrying about me having Toxemia and everything else. It had gotten to the point that I was out of work, at home and laying on my left side half the time.

Then we come back to the beginning of the blog. In the hospital. By Monday, my doctor comes into the room and first thing he does is says "Dang, I can't go anywhere and you end up in the hosptial." and of course I laugh. He tells me that whats happened is I've become Toxic and I'm going to be in the hospital until my daughter is born. And it's probably going to be within the next 2-3 weeks and it will be C-section. So I set in for the week. And I know it's going to be a long couple of weeks ahead of me. Or so I think.

Thursday morning I have an issue with a pain that hits my right side at about 4:30 in the morning. I wake my husband up and he hits the nurse button. They rush in and I can't explain why my side hurts. They check my blood pressure and its high and is on the rise. They assess it and the type of pain it is seems to be like a gas bubble that has hit so they have me get up and walk down the hallway and back. So my husband helps me out and after that it's a pretty big blur to be honest for the next few hours. My blood pressure got really high and my heart rate got really low. They almost took my daughter that morning. It was pretty scary. They finally got me stable and were able to stop anything from happening. Now up until this point they have on Tuesday and Wednesday given me steroids to help with the growth of my daughters lungs and kidneys because they are going to have to take her early.

So Friday morning comes. They run my blood pressure and they do an ultrasound and they find while doing the ultrasound that when my blood would pump it would flow, but there was no forward flow to the baby when it would stop pumping. They run in the room at around 10:30 and start setting me up, I'm going to have a baby. They're doing a C-Section at 2. Suddenly I realize holy crap, my daughter is coming! Now mind you, one thing that crosses my mind but I don't really think about, it's my mom's birthday. Happy birthday grandma!

They roll me into the OR for my c-section. They get me ready and they start with the spinal so they can numb me for the whole thing. The spinal hurt so bad. They have a very small area to work with and to be honest, I'm still having issues with my leg and the muscle where they hit something in my spine, though they are positive it will go away as swelling does. They scrub my husband up, get him ready and then they proceed with the surgery once I'm numb. I don't feel much of anything at all. I can feel little pressures, but really, that's all I feel. My husband feels the entire table shake and tells me he's going to look over the little blue cloth to see what they're doing. I tell him not to pass out on me. His story on what happened will be a later blog, but before it was all said and done, they were done and they were showing me the sweetest face I have ever seen in my life. There my daughter was in front of me. My little girl.

I instantly felt possessive and more love than I have ever known in my life. I hear all kinds of commotion going on beside me and the doctor tells me that they are getting her breathing going good because she is pre-term and she needs to breathe. I don't remember much of the next few hours, I just know that it's late Friday night that I'm able to go see my daughter. And I cry. She's so beautiful, so tiny. I have so many emotions. I feel so bad that she's in there, so loved that she's there, so scared that she's in there.

As I see her day by day it's getting a little easier as she is doing better. She was 2lb 5oz when she was born. She lost weight the first couple of days which they said was normal but she's gaining it back slowly. She's off of the oxygen already and it's been 6 days. I can't begin to tell the emotions I'm feeling right now. I hate that I had to leave her there. She is in one of the best Neonatal ICU's in the state and I know she's in good hands. I could not imagine her being home right now at 2lb 3oz, but it doesn't change the fact that I want her home with me right now. Not in a hospital miles away.

Other than that I'm doing okay. I can call and check on her, and I can even go up and see her every day. And I'm able to actally produce milk that I can take up to her which they said is good for her and is putting on her weight. She is amazing the doctors that she's able to breathe without help so far and she has her good days and her bad days. She's a bit jondis today and they are going to have to put the lamp on her today, but they also said they were going to remove the IV line that they have in her belly button and put an IV line in her foot or hand, which is a good thing, and means progress. They also moved her to a different part of he NICU yesterday which is what they do when the babies get stable. I'm so proud of my little girl. She's getting bigger by the day and doing better and better. It's going to be probably the end of November before they are able to let her come home (Unless they do what my father in law keeps suggesting and put gravy in with the breast milk. LoL!), but we are hoping for a quicker recovery. Well, this blog is her story. I will keep it updated as much a possible for my followers. Hopefully she will be home before anyone knows it. That's my hope and prayer. We are definitely open to prayers from anyone who wants to put in a word for my little girl. Love and peace to all.